Sunday, January 02, 2005

The Secret To Life? Be Cool, Have Balls.

Happy New Beerz! :)

And... (urrp!), it's over.

But, what better way to start the year than learning The Secret To Life?

Yeah that's right, fuck Oprah, Chopra, and Phil, 'cause I got it right here:

Be Cool, Have Balls.

(Ladies, "Be Cool, Have Eggs" works as well, and for those offended by a word they would use freely around children until it refers to testicles, "Be Cool, Have Guts" is an acceptable phat-free substitute, and one that doesn't cause Olestra-esque anal-leakage. There, now they're not offended.)

Don't believe me? Okay... we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.

Or both. Yeah, why not both? Better safe than sorry.

The Easy Way - Try it.

For example:

If you lose a car, Be Cool, Have Balls. If you win a car, Be Cool, Have Balls.
If you lose a leg, Be Cool, Have Balls. If you win a leg, Be Cool, Have Balls.
If you lose a job, Be Cool, Have Balls. If you win a job, Be Cool, Have Balls.

There, a simple and universal algorithm for solving all of life's problems, and an easy one - an attitude that precipitates action. Beyond "win" or "lose", just plug in anything you can think of that could possibly happen, anything you need to react to either physically or mentally, and tell me this regular gut-check doesn't improve it more than any other. Write it down, tell your friends, tell your family, tell your folks... you're welcome.

(NOTE: I'm not saying I do this all the time, I'm saying I know I should.)

The Hard Way - More Examples and Analysis.

1) Everything Is A Function Of Time

"People think life is short. No it's not, life is loooong..." - Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

Feeling "sad" or "bad" or "shook" or "shaken" is not a natural state. So: Stop It! It only makes things worse, as the longer you stay that way the more screwed up you'll be, and really, unless you're in immediate pain or suffering a terrible tragedy, you can usually snap out of it. For instance, if you give up on your New Year's Resolution to add an "s" to "ab", and skip the gym for a couple of weeks, to avoid the downward spiral into Haagendaas Hell that'll set you back twice as far, Be Cool, Have Balls, and resolve that nothing that's in your control will make you feel bad. Just figure out when you think you can make it, and don't sweat-it until you plan to sweat. Once you've settled on something, there's no point in worrying about it unless it's to constructively change your mind.

Be Cool, Have Balls can also be used as an emotional-gyroscope, a stabilizer until you get your head straight. I know some off-balance on-their-heels defeatists, people who constantly play "defence" in their game of life, finding dubiously insurmountable obstacles easier than potentially easy solutions, and feeling so stressed and shitty all the time that they need to turn their brain off whenever not doing anything they absolutely have to. They don't have as much fun as those playing "offence", or seeking fun or challenging stimulation instead of a numbing effect from their leisure time. There's obviously a time and place for both, and chacun son gout (or, to each their own goo), but one has to be careful about turning their brain off every time they aren't getting paid for it, as that can result in having a brain only good for one thing. (What if you lose your job? Or worse, hate your job and can never leave?) Plus, in theory, feeling powerless and paranoid about your pathetic state or imminent bout of compensatory self-destruction will only make it worse.

Hmph. Makes sense to me anyway...

I also have a couple of friends who react to what they perceive as racist and fake "half-smiles" by scowling, and "screwfaces" (scowls) by giving them a big ol' piss-em-off-even-more smile. In some cases it's warranted, but they also mentioned interactions that often take scant seconds, like walking by someone on the street. I told them point-blank that's a mistake, as beyond the fact that you have no idea why someone is giving you a half-smile (shyness?) and it's tough to interpret one that quickly, why should you let even people who don't like you get you shook so easily, unless it's on your terms? Screw that, I'll fight when I really have to or really want to, but if I'm throwing out a good-vibe and it isn't returned by someone, I try to Be Cool, Have Balls, and keep my vibe where I like it: gooood...

"I'll, always be laughing, like a clown..." - Bob Marley, Concrete Jungle

2) Everyone Plays By The Same Rules

If someone talks shit about you, you're understandably upset. But what about celebrities? The famed fishbowl of fame can crush weak individuals, but a quick look back at Y2K4GMM04*&%#@ - or whatever the kids call it these days, can reveal some high-profile celebs who stared back into the abyss and didn't flinch.

Good Balls:

Angeline Jolie - In wanting to focus on her kid instead of date-for-marriage, mentioned she had casually "taken a lover", and the press went crazy. For a minute. But then she said: "What?", and they said, "Hey yeah... you know, you're right. Oh, and by the way, I give a great foot-massage..."

Colin Farrel - "Q: Mr. Farrell, I heard you got injured on the set of Alexander?" "A: Yeah, I got drunk and fell down. Remember kids: doing movies is easy, heavy drinking is hard. And: stay in school!" (Or something like that.)

Paris Nicole Anna Hilton Smith - Oh c'mon. Write your own damn jokes. Just make sure they're "hot."

Bad Balls:

Janet and Justin - Turtled in the face of Titty-Gate, and (for them) disappeared. C'mon guys... drink some whiskey, then eat the bottle, and then say in your best Chris-Rock: "A titty???!!!" You can still apologize, but you can also say that while it was a mistake, we all need to chill out over a square-inch of "40-year old titty!" (CR), and laugh until they laugh with you.

John Kerry - In his concession speech: "We talked about the division in our country and the need, desperate need, for unity. ...Today, I hope we can begin the healing." (4/Nov/04) When your opponents laugh at you, your supporters yell at you, and most people don't care and just think you're a pussy, well... you've made a mistake.

Huge Ugly Balls:

Condoleeza Rice - In testifying sequence: "I believe the [August 6, 2001 - PDB] title was, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States." Then: "It did not warn of attacks inside the United States." (8/Apr/04) Good God. She may hatch a Brontosaurus. (btw, they're now called Apatosaurus, and knowing is not half the battle...)

George W. Bush - "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." (5/Aug/04) They'll probably give him a place on Mount Rushmore, and if so, they should just sandblast the heads of Lincoln and Roosevelt until they are perfectly round, and leave 'em under a massive Texas-shaped belt-buckle...


Have a Cool'n'Ballsy 2005! :-)