Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Dear Ladies: Support Your Man Supporting You and Your Men / Stand By Your Man


Dear Ladies,

Thank you for being very supportive through this process which started off over a year ago around Canada Day in 2011. At first I started saving you from a ridiculous epidemic of stalkers because I didn't know if they wanted to rob, rape or kill you, so it was more of a principled thing as a male of the species defending any female from any other male randomly attacking her for no reason no matter how big or small the stalkers were. Hopefully more men will take this attitude in the future. Wouldn't that be great?

I am only 5' 10" and 165 pounds, but I can walk like a man, talk like a man, fight like a man and run like a man, and I have had to do all of the above to save you from stalkers mainly in Ottawa and Toronto and encourage other guys to do the same, or at least to stop stalking you.

For example, when a 6' 5" / 300 pound guy is stalking a 5' 2" 100 pound girl, or a guy at least three-times her size plus the male/female threat difference and is staying behind her on purpose and matching her step-for-step to maintain a close proximity while making her clearly look and feel uncomfortable or even run away by walking much faster than she wants to without clearly seeing him behind her and knowing what he wants when he isn't saying anything... then I can't just watch it happen and try to say or do something every time while risking my life.

When it went from 3 or 4 a day to 300 or 400 a day it didn't matter, it still needed to get done and I got louder and louder about it and related issues, but it also affected everything else I wanted to do and who I am.

I also know that when I have decided to stalk guys who were stalking you just to teach them a lesson, no matter what I am saying and even if it is the most angry or threatening or humiliating stuff ever, they always feel less scared when I am saying something then when I am not because at least they get a sense of who I am and what I want even though they can't see me clearly while I am clearly following them and matching them step-for-step to intimidate them as opposed to just coincidentally being behind them.

Since most male stalkers are bigger and stronger and silent and you ladies are unsure of their intentions it can be worrisome, but you ladies have been very brave in supporting my efforts to deal with them and say all sorts of stuff while trying to shut this down in a much broader way than merely dealing with the immediate situation. You also have an idea that most of them are not your typical too-much-porn or robber-raper-killer stalkers and I have said this and everything else in front of thousands of you, but I'll get into that later.

Frankly, as I have said many times,  if 8-foot tall 400-pound werewolves existed and were stalking men like men stalk women and men didn't feel they could react or confront them aggressively to stop it for fear of something worse happening to them, then men would be scared out of their minds and crapping their pants everywhere. The fact that women are holding up fairly well is a testament to their strength and courage.

While we never discuss it formally, you ladies don't seem to mind me saying stuff about this around you and everyone else and have been very supportive by casually saying hello, flirting, communicating and agreeing with different ideas and so on, including publicly in front of tons of people who watch me like it's TV and hopefully and apparently learn a thing or two. You gave me credibility with your men as well, otherwise I would not have been able to say anything about it when nobody else would and frankly would probably be dead or in jail by now. Thanks to you ladies, the people and the people in charge of security wherever I go let me continue to say and do stuff to stop this when nobody else is saying or doing anything and it is having a positive effect, or more men and women are relaxing and getting along better than before.

I also know that unlike you I don't have to try to charm a guy bothering me, or you for that matter, though I have seen you do it a bunch of times and I hate seeing you lose your dignity to get out of a sticky situation.

I am not saying you should stop because you don't want to risk getting in a fight with a strange man you don't know. I am saying that if men are bothering you then it helps to have men looking out for you, which is what I have been doing and what I encourage other men to do in general.

While it is taking a while, at least more of them aren't bothering you, so that's a plus.

Of course, like any person you can piss us and each other off in formal situations, but informally when you are usually just walking around and minding your own business and often in the mood to show off and get some credit for it while having fun with others, you shouldn't be harassed by random men all day and night who you don't know and have no business with.

I also know in downtown Toronto since before last Christmas, most of you have gone from dealing with over 100 stalkers a day to less than a dozen a day on average due mainly to my efforts and the efforts of those who listen and react, or men and women choosing to relax and get along instead. So, that's great news and the reason to support these efforts.

The fight is not over and there are still a bunch of stalkers out there, including middle-aged guys stalking teen and pre-teen girls who I saw at the Eaton Centre today, but their numbers are dwindling thanks to our efforts to make their behaviour socially unacceptable where we all live.

Creating good old fashioned calm, quiet and Canadian social disapproval for socially aberrant behaviour related to most stalking instead of just talking about stalking wasn't easy, but working together we have managed to make it happen more consistently for the better of all.

That means this Christmas and winter, instead of being chased by as many guys especially after dark and risking slipping and falling on black ice and possibly breaking something and so on, hopefully you will see more staying out of your way and minding their business, or even uniquely acknowledging you and giving your more room and privacy so you can relax and feel validated and possibly even validate them with your grace and femininity, which would be more empowering for both sexes.

One of my goals is to see both sexes win the stupid "Battle of the Sexes" which shouldn't be a "battle" at all.

By casually influencing the culture and having people casually and approvingly respond, it looks possible.

Again, the fight is not over and the root causes are still there, which should be a concern that spurs you to take action before it is too late.

For example, today at work, when a beautiful girl started flirting with me and casually getting my attention, it went well and other women started since they realized I was one of those guys they could do this with and we all started having sporadic fun.

However, when they started then a bunch of guys started trying the same thing, or trying to act like girls and get stared at for a longer than normal amount of time, hike up their pants like fake-skirts, show me their ass and copy more female body language.

Even when I expressed no interest at all to all of them repeatedly and looked away or at something else no matter which man it was and how often they tried, they still tried over and over again anyway while competing with each other to beat the rejection and made quite a humiliating spectacle of themselves which many people in the office noticed.

This made many of the other women furious and they alternated between pissed off looks and flirting with me both for fun and out of spite; others chose to retreat from the fray and stop flirting entirely since it became too uncomfortable to relax and have a bit of fun while getting work done with unfriendly competition.

I know that it is fun and easy to flirt to fight; that you ladies need the validation for the work you put in more than men need to give it to you; and that this is what you ladies often do about this unfortunate situation when almost nobody feels comfortable talking about it, or you flirt with a man doing something about it like you have for over a year now, namely me, or your defacto lawyer and bodyguard.

I also know that neither you nor I are homophobic, or we don't care if a guy is gay or a tranny or a femme'd out peacock-guy copying your girl-game well or whatever.

We only care if men try to bother people and literally try to compete with women for attention from a man they can flirt with even though he has clearly made his choice known.

This makes it much harder for women to relax and feel feminine and enjoy themselves in the company of men in general no matter how hard they try to look attractive and feel sexy, which sucks.

I assume this is the case elsewhere and that more women are even too afraid to flirt for fear of seeing men aggressively try to compete with them which is at differing times unsightly, depressing and dangerous.

To get out of this situation at work I did what I always have to do, which is speak up without speaking about it or to anyone specifically, or use allegorical ways to allude to what was happening and why it should stop.

Since I was feeling it anyway, I quietly quoted and sang some song lyrics in a voice that carries anyway:

"You know you're crazy, crazy,
You're (freakin') crazy, oh my..."

- Guns'n'Roses, "Crazy", (Appetite for Destruction)


"So nobody ever told us baby, how it was going to be...
So what'll happen to us baby, guess we'll have to wait and see..."


"I don't know how you're supposed to find me lately,
Or what more could you ask of me,
How could you say that I'd ever leave you?
When you took everything, said you took everything, from me..."

- Guns'n'Roses, "Estranged", (Use Your Illusion II)

Between that and a few other allegorical tricks to express how stupid it is to humiliate yourself in front of anyone who is not interested in physically admiring you by begging and bothering them to, the women casually understood why I had to (temporarily?) slow down in my formal efforts to shut this down downtown and the men finally saw and shamed each other into stopping from trying to get me to stare at them or look at their ass for the most part, which was good news for them and the women around as well.

"Talk to me softly, there's, something in your eyes,
Don't hang your head in sorrow, and please don't cry,
I know how you feel inside I, I've been there before,
Something is changing inside them, and don't you know...

Don't you cry, tonight, I still love you baby,
Don't you cry, tonight,
Don't you cry, tonight, there's a heaven above you baby,
Don't you cry, tonight..."

- Guns'n'Roses, "Don't Cry", (Use Your Illusion I / slightly paraphrased)

However, once again this leaves me in the awkward situation of having to take action in front of people who casually know me and wonder when or if it will have to happen again.

But, this is always why I speak up, or to clarify things that are happening that people are suffering with that they don't understand. Once I speak up they usually do and usually relax and feel better.

Nobody will say anything about this as usual, but everybody will probably casually react in different ways and treat me differently than before, which can be both a good and bad thing as usual. I am used to all this. 

I also noticed at the Eaton Centre and elsewhere over the last few months how exhausted you ladies were feeling from being chased and harassed by strange guys all day who were stalking you like bitchy-ugly chicks sometimes stalk hotter ones. I even mentioned it over and over again in public while you casually agreed.

Instead of feeling relaxed, bored and mischievous, or the perfect flirty-storm, you were mostly in the mood to relax when you saw me instead of show-off like you used to and didn't have the energy to have the fun you wanted with the limited time and options you have.

You were "getting the chick kicked out of you" as I called it and you agreed, but fortunately we managed to slow it down somewhat along with the other guys who agreed it that is was a bad idea for them to act like or turn into bitchy-ugly chicks who stalk hotter or any other ones.

However, since many men are competing with women to get men to look at them, what has ended up happening is now fewer women want to try to get looked at at for fear of seeing or dealing with these men acting like girls (or "Man-Girls") which is at-times depressing and unsightly and also potentially threatening because of the stalking and other jealous physical harassment issues.

I don't know what is worse: being harassed all day and night by men falling apart and turning into ugly, jealous and threatening women; or coming home to find out that your man is turning into one too.

Or, how much does it suck to see that your man is obsessed with getting other men to stare and him and his ass and copying female body language and - because not enough of his fellow men stare at him long enough and admire him like he's a woman -  probably jealously harasses other women all day and night too. 

Does this lead to less mutual respect?

Or possible "intimacy" issues and a crappier sex life?

What else?

This leads me to my request for financial support as well as the ongoing casual moral support and flirting to advance the relax and get along agenda and to keep us both in a good mood.

Marketers have known for a hundred years and possibly longer that if you get the women to agree then the men and children will usually follow to keep peace in the home and the land.

This has been true on a general social level to affect change in this area so far. 

Therefore, if it holds true financially then we are still in business.

For the time being I have basically had to give up and drop the whole thing for the last few weeks to make some money and look for ways to make more, including ignoring a few women at the Eaton Centre today throwing their classic playing with their hair gang-signs to signal for help while men were stalking them. This is just because nobody else will help them and I don't want to stand out that way anymore and prevent myself from being seen as "normal" unless people help me act "different" to change this "normal" garbage.

Unless I get independent and potentially anonymous financial support from people if that is preferred, then I need to act as normal as possible too and not help any more women in distress in ways discussed here in public to help shut it down. I need to act normal so that I can get normal jobs and preferably high-paying and interesting ones and keep them by continuing to ignore any women in trouble this way just like everyone else does.

Otherwise, even if more crazy stuff like this becomes normal, I won't be in the financial position to do anything but act normal and go along with it like everyone else does and feel more and more miserable as well. Being broke is a bigger sin for a man than harassing women all day and night these days, so besides being uncomfortable and pathetic and taking me out of the game one way or another as someone who has the balls and brains to get respect and results, it is also the end of the only noise being made about this that I know of loud enough to affect the situation for the better.

If I am unable to get financial support from women then I will have to stop helping them for free like I have for over a year just because it was the right thing to do and everybody was having trouble with it.

I am sorry if this seems harsh, but that sounds crazy to me since I have already earned my stripes and your trust on these issues over and over and over and over again. It happens every day.

I mean c'mon. Michael Phelps winning 74 gold medals or whatever is impressive, but what does it do for you? I have nothing against him or anyone else, I just want my credit too.

I would also like financial help from men to keep them from falling apart, feeling miserable and breaking themselves and others. But, while I am sure some will contribute just like the women do to say a karmic thanks and keep going, many are so used to doing things to themselves and others without thinking about it and getting away with it by having nobody stop them that they can routinely harass, threaten and physically intimidate each other and women and embarrass themselves and get away with it.

Since most men are generally too embarrassed to admit and confront what they are turning into and doing, they will probably be slower to come around and may just go along with their own destruction while breaking everyone and everything else if they aren't stopped. When men acting like girls bother each other in non-consensual ways it usually last for seconds, not minutes like when they are jealously stalking women.

On that note, which to my fine ear indicates a sense of urgency and purpose, I have details on how to donate to support me in supporting your cause below. If you have any other suggestions please get in touch.

If it happens then great.

If not, then nothing else probably will from my end because it is not fair to ask me to do everything about this and risk everything I have without being financially supported by the millions of people I have been helping when they were having trouble, including men and women mostly first in Ottawa and then most recently in Toronto.

When it happens then we are in business. 

Then, I will continue being an advocate for people in general in better and better ways.

In fact, a friend suggested a female co-host for a radio, TV or internet show on relationships would be a good idea and I agree. I just need to get financially stable enough to make this and more happen.

This method is about as easy as I can make this, or people throwing money into my bank account while I throw myself into cleaning up the mess being made of people in the 21st Century.

That way people don't have to formally address these issues with me, especially since they know I know a lot about them and may be uncomfortable responding since they don't or try not to think about them.

The way I work is simple: if you don't like what I am doing then you can generally ignore me; if you do then you can benefit; and either way you will benefit if more people are relaxed and getting along and in situations where they empower instead of disempower each other on a regular basis.

This is especially true as people see more and more of each other in crowded cities.

The streets, subways, buildings and buses and more are getting more and more crowded.

So, let's do our part to make sure that we make each other feel more and more comfortable.

I know how to help. Let's do this.

Warm regards,




Public Speaker

Helping people out as a public speaker who shares good relationship advice with lots of people at once so they see each other and feel empowered enough to use it works. Hundreds a day say hello, which is why I continue. With no hat to take donations, people can simply donate anonymously to say thanks.

TD Bank Account Number: 3058-6062898

Patrons of the arts have always existed and today people often donate to support independent artists finishing albums and more. As someone who positively influences our culture by sharing ideas that help men and women relax and get along, I appreciate your help so that I can continue to evolve this approach.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.



Vijay Sarma
Ask Vij Consulting
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Tammy Wynette - Stand By Your Man




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